If you want to annoy a cat there are many options. Looking at them wrongly, not getting that particular flavour of cat treat, or simply asking them to move to let you into your house are all good examples of “bad things” – at least in the cat world.

But if you really want to piss them off then you have to get between them and their latest toy.

In the latest incident that sees me right at the bottom of our Bengal Cat’s list of acceptable people I managed to do just that, and I am still suffering from her utter dislike and disdain a week after the event.

Not only that, but I managed to upset the other senior manager in this household by failing to do things either quickly enough or correctly. In consequence I am hiding out in the study with the hatches fully battened down until the beginning of next month!

It all began with a typical shriek from somewhere in the house.

“Come here, come here! Right away!” came the call.

When I rushed to the scene of devastation that undoubtedly awaited me I discovered two females eying each other menacingly. OK, one was a cat, but they were both female, and my life was pretty much a long way down the list of priorities.

The source of their dispute lay on the floor in front of me. An adult magpie almost the same size as the cat was taking up a significant space on the kitchen floor and it was clearly going to be my task to dispose of the body.

That was if I could persuade the blasted cat to back off a little rather than stand guard over her new treasure.

Da Boss was also pretty clear about what was to happen and the time scale involved. That was to be calculated in seconds, and the offending corpse was to be disposed of IMMEDIATELY!

The cat, on the other hand was completely opposed to any interference by anybody and she was armed with exceptionally sharp claws to back up her argument.

As most men will know, this kind of stand-off invariably leads to pain and injury no matter what action takes place. Oh and the pain and injury always lands on the man. That is a given!

So, faced with this particular dilemma I rushed out and found a small spade on which I scooped up the offending magpie. My trip down the garden saw me accompanied by the evil Bengal cat, who was intent on discovering just where the magpie was headed.

There was no way that I would be able to dig a hole and bury the dead bird whilst fending off the cat. Besides which the ground was rock hard as usual.

So I fought my way through the mini jungle at the end of the garden and hurled the dead bird onto the waste land where it would soon be re-cycled by the foxes and other wildlife down there.

At least that was my plan, but unfortunately unless the foxes were capable of leaping about eight feet in the air and snaffling the bird from the hawthorn bush it had got stuck in, then I had failed!

Fortunately it did mean that the cat was also stymied from retrieving it and so I made my way back through the undergrowth only to spot the wicked grin of the cat, perched and ready to pounce on me if I turned my back.

As I said, life with two females can be a challenge.