First question, do you know how the expression ‘to see red’ came about?  I imagine that momentary road rage or rushes of blood to the head are some of the ideas you may have thought of.  Good ideas, but wrong, completely wrong.  Secondly, do any of you know how far a small container, say a quart or a litre of paint can travel if you are unwary? The answer is – far further than you could ever imagine and it will then continue to travel even further as you try desperately to wipe it up.  And that, my friend is why the expression came about. It has nothing to do with blood; it has everything to do with bloody red paint travelling all round the  living room area.

The day had started out so well. I had agreed to Da Boss’s suggestion that we should ‘use a colour contrast on two small windows, just to accent this and that and compliment the..’  – Well you know that sort of fancy arty decorator speak, I am sure.

I had tried to do this using a water-based paint, but that had simply not stayed put.  So we had spent the previous afternoon scraping off the old non stick paint and had everything ready for the specially selected correct paint to go on this morning.

I had been up since before God, and had made sure everything was masked off and ready to rock and roll as soon as the morning light was good enough to paint by.  Painting the first window soon showed me that this was going to require more than one coat, but when it would keep Da Boss happy and leave me free to while away my time for the rest of the summer I was quite content with this minor extra task.

In fact I was feeling pretty pleased with my efforts on the first one and got ready to move across the room to work on window number two.  I had fallen into the same trap as Ugg way back in the dawn of mankind.  I had become smug and the Fates were soon going to put things right.

I admit that it was my fault that I hadn’t checked that the catches securing the step stool were fully in place.  I also admit that I was being lazy in not stopping and putting the paint pot on the side whilst I moved said step stool to the new location.  I further admit that I had smiled to myself at how easily things could go wrong, when they did!

The step stool suddenly decided it was time to fold up and in so doing tip the full can of paint onto the floor. I panicked for a second and watched as the contents gurgled out, spreading a lake of crimson paint across an ever-growing area. Which was when I came to my senses and leapt over to the can and managed to stop the tide of red gushing out.  I even had the presence of mind to try and pour the paint that had collected in the dustsheet back into the can.

I even ended up with half a can of paint at the end.  But, in the meantime I was now faced with a still swelling lake of crimson paint heading inexorably for furniture. I will say a prayer at some point to the man who developed paper towels, and even though it may seem unfriendly to all tree lovers everywhere, I have single handedly been able to use about a quarter of a small rain forest to very good use this morning.

The paint spread everywhere, fortunately we have a sealed laminate wood floor and so the vast majority of paint was mopped up.  But dear reader, for Goodness’ sakes do not mention the slightly rosy look of certain parts of the floor to Da Boss, should you ever visit here.  Well, not if you want to enjoy our hospitality any further.

I have managed to finish off the first coats on both windows and will complete the task, but I can promise you that any further use of red paint in this house is unlikely in the extreme. I am also somewhat wary of any shade of red or pink as I keep spotting the last vestiges of where my hands accidentally touched this surface or that with the remains of the dreaded red paint.