It is time to let you all into the family secrets that have been both my burden and the cause of my inability to aspire to anything other than a quiet life.

Some families have greatness thrust on them; others have a kind of genetic predisposition.  Just look at the Churchills for example. The splendidly drunken orator who led Britain through the war had bagfuls of antecedents who had ruled the country.  The Marlboroughs – the family from which good old Winston sprang; had been leading the country in one way or another for donkey’s years.  

And even if Winston was a drunken depressive with a school report, which suggested that he was fit only to be a second rate farmer, nevertheless he somehow made it to the very top of the tree.  

It must be quite galling for such people to be constantly told that they were “born to such greatness” I mean, how annoying is it when you keep hearing that kind of thing?

It’s bad enough when you hear relatives cooing over a baby saying such things as “She’s got her mother’s eyes;” or “That nose is so like her grandfather’s.”

Much worse then is when you keep hearing that the only reason you have succeeded is that you have your mother’s, father’s, uncle’s or grandfather’s ability with whatever!

“Pah!” I said to myself.  “I am my own person.  I have forged my own way in life and have no-one else to thank for what I have achieved.”  Which is admittedly very little, but at least it is all my own work. However, that was when I made a staggering and quite disturbing discovery.  

Genetics had not, after all, passed me by as gently as I had imagined.  I had in fact run my life unknowingly according to not one but TWO dominant genes that have marked the male members of our family for as far back as I have been able to search.

Once I had overcome this shocking realisation there was nothing more to do except admit that Nature had defeated Nurture and I was not in fact my own man.  I was instead just another victim of genetic power. 

Although this was somewhat down heartening it did however have an upside.  Well, to be perfectly honest a number of upsides.  All that I had to do was make sure that people recognised that I was as much a victim as anyone and so they needed to make allowances for me and my actions.

Being burdened with two major genetic flaws has naturally had an impact on my life.  The curious thing is that I have managed to survive relatively unscathed for quite so long.  Perhaps there is also another genetic component that protects me, but I have not as yet found out quite what that is.  Naturally should I come across it I will let you know immediately so that should you too suffer from any similar genetic flaws as myself then you can check and see if you have the corresponding protective gene as well!

So, without further ado let me reveal the two terrible flaws that have had such an impact on my life.  Hopefully you at least will be understanding of my circumstances and come to my aid whilst other, less charitable people, scorn and scoff and generally assume the worst of me.

Curiously I have encountered others who pretend to have a similar genetic fault but who in reality are plainly idle and worthless.  Please, whatever you do, do not mistakenly include me amongst their number.  I am merely a victim and as such need your support!

The first Gene that I can now reveal is one that my father exhibited quite proudly.  It is not necessarily a survival gene in the common sense, but it did help him on many occasions and he clearly knew how to handle his genetic flaw with skill and aplomb.

That was partly to do with the age in which he lived, but was also helped by his position as a military officer.  Perhaps if I had been blessed with good eyesight or a willingness to travel to exotic place, meet many different foreign races and then kill them, then I too would have not had to suffer the consequences of this particular genetic flaw quite as much.  However, times and attitudes change.

The first gene known as the ‘L Gene’.  I do not want to disturb you with too much science, but this particular gene is almost invariably carried through the male line and is rarely found in females.  It is also one of the biggest reasons for discord between the sexes.  

How often do men hear their wives or partners screeching at them about how little they contribute to the household day to day activities.  How can they sit watching TV and have an ability to avoid all the myriad jobs, all crying out to be done?

The answer is simple.  We just do not see the tasks.  It is one of the side effects of the Laziness Gene or ‘L Gene92’ as it is known scientifically.  Whereas women are keen-eyed housekeepers, we men are almost unable to grasp the importance of washing up or ironing or vacuuming in the same way.  Yet another example of L Gene92 striking at the heart of a happy marriage.  

Not only are we unable to see the importance of such tasks, we often cannot even physically see them.  Although many women will scoff at such an assertion it is nevertheless true.  There are various examples of ‘female blindness” too.  How often have you had to shout for the man in your life because you cannot find a No 8 screw or a ¾ washer for the whim wham shuffleburger?

I can already see your eyes glazing over when I start to talk about such matters, but ask your male friends and they will instantly nod and find the right item within seconds.  There is one notable exception though.  Ask any male hairdresser or shop window dresser and they too will be unable to find the items I mentioned.  

But there are clues as to which men are more likely to be carrying this terrible gene.  They are the ones who somehow are unable to appear tidy and well groomed.  They fail to notice when you have had your hair done and have absolutely no ability to distinguish between Jimmy Choo and High Street shoes.

I had better finish at this point, although I have not even mentioned the second genetic flaw in my make up.  I have already gone over my normal limit of words and rather than bore you witless at this time I will go back and edit this to make it briefer and will save the tale of the second flaw for another time.   Read the next exciting instalment