‘Oh No,’ I thought as I had yet another flyer thrust into my hands. ‘There’s never a good reason to actually take one of these, why didn’t I just say NO!’ How wrong could I be! That single flyer has caused me more mirth and (in Da Boss’s words) more unacceptable giggling, than I can recall for a while.
The flyer was far smaller than normal (about a quarter of a normal sheet of paper) but the claims on it were significantly greater than anything I had ever seen before. Proudly proclaimed as the King of Herbalists, Prof Juma & Hajjati Akima offered their consultations for only 50 Rand or around 5 pounds sterling (8 dollars or euros).
For this you could have a number of guaranteed treatments two of which were clearly of a dubious medical nature, The first, which will be familiar to everyone who gets junk emails offered Penis expansion (all sizes) but went on to assure you that the effect would be permanent and strong!
You could also have a safe abortion pain free which was offered on a same day basis. I must admit that this certainly sounded distinctly dodgy and as I had absolutely no need of it I passed on to the next items on offer. This was when I really got interested and also fell foul of Da Boss’s needle sharp elbow for the first time.
Suddenly I also had the option to ‘Get Amagundwane for Riches’. Now this appealed for I had only just learnedd how to pronounce the ‘A’ word (Ah Man ju wahn ay) and it was used as part of greeting someone when you wanted to wish them well!
I could recover stolen property (in 2 hours as well) Obviously this was pretty strong stuff. Or I could use the services of the esteemed doctors for court cases where apparently divorce was their speciality.
The work place was next on their agenda of offerings with them offering you protection both at work and at home, along with promotion should you want it. Clearly these guys have done their homework and have set out their business to attract all the young go-getters in Cape Town. In fact they even offer you the chance to get more clients for your own business if that is what you are lacking. These guys really are on the ball!
Naturally these two highly regarded professionals don’t leave their female clientele out either. You can call on them to increase your breasts, remove stretch marks and even reduce your vagina.
I am staggered that the cosmetic surgery industry has not snapped up these talented guys yet, after all they do offer a complete one stop shop. Oh and yes if your problems are to do with periods or the menopause then naturally these gentlemen are the ones to contact.
By the time I was ready to turn on to the second side I was hooked. I was also slightly bruised in the rib area where Da Boss had kept digging me with her elbow because I had not been able to stop grinning and occasionally laughing out loud.
I had only myself to blame because my sense of the ridiculous had made me treat this with less than the deference that it should have been given. So when I saw ‘Penis problems like early ejaculation Weak Erections (100% guaranteed)’ I had to stop reading and take a few deep breaths or else I would have collapsed in a heap in the middle of Cape Town.
After that I was delighted to see that I could learn to ‘Control my Lover’ or ‘Remove Bad Luck and Evil Spirits’ but best of all (No 13 on their list) if there was Unfinished jobs by other doctors then those were FREE!
These two doctors were no idlers either. Their surgery times were from 7.00am to 5.00pm Monday to Friday and 7.30 to 2.00 on Saturdays so they clearly were putting in the hours to service their customers. And, quite frankly, with offers like they had I am sure that they were going to be pretty busy.
Now all I have to do apparently is to call them to make an appointment and then find at Thibault House, St Georges Mall. I don’t need to worry about being ripped off either, for the flyer clearly states that ‘Payment is done after problem is solved. Treatment is 100% guaranteed!’
Nobody in the west would even dare make such an offer, no wonder the flyer ended with the challenge :
Now all I have to do is sneak away from Da Boss early one morning and I could be in for a real treat. All I have to do is decide whether I should go for ‘Protection at home or ‘Get Amagundwane for riches.’ And does the ‘protection’ include avoiding those nasty digs from you know who?